(Not) everything you never wanted to know about how I flirt. ;-)

[quasigeostrophy]

Copied from a comment I made in a thread elsewhere, in response to a question about how people define flirting with intent vs. flirting with no intent. I'm not sure I really answered that question, but wanted to hang onto my comment. Enjoy...

I think my distinction is usually internal. I enjoy flirting for fun, and almost always start out flirting with someone in that manner. If I have a crush on them and they don't know it yet, sometimes I feel like I have to be overly careful - I try to think more about a specific flirty comment/response before sending it (and yes, most of my flirting is confined to electronic media - I'm not as confident at it in person, probably just because I'm not always as quick) and whether or not it is going to go too far. If I already have a Relationship with the person or she is aware of my crush, I usually feel much more free about what I'll say in a flirty situation.

One thing I think is big in my case is that if I start out flirting with someone just for fun (no intent), if such flirting stays very enjoyable and/or I pick up other cues elsewhere that I might really like this person, that will often lead to me falling for/crushing on her. Some crushes I let wax and wane, and will continue to be very flirty at times without intent. If I figure out after I while that a crush isn't fading, think the relationship has potential to go further, and can muster the nerve, I'll confront her.

This is pretty rambly, but I think, for me, it boils down to the fact that it's difficult for anyone but me to know when the switch to intent being on has been thrown.

Comments

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I think I'm a lot like this also. Basically, I flirt when I feel safe. I might be interested to begin with, or I might not. If I enjoy whatever interactions enough (flirty ones or not) interest might follow.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

*nods* I don't necessarily have to feel safe myself, but if I get a vibe from the interaction that I might make the recipient uncomfortable, I back off, whether intent is there on my part or not. With regard to the original thread, I'm still not sure there is any way for a recipient to tell I have intent, though, without me coming out and admitting it. ;-)

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

I'm still not sure there is any way for a recipient to tell I have intent, though, without me coming out and admitting it. ;-)

Right, me either. (Which is precisely why I don't flirt unless I feel pretty safe.)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Ah. Now I get your meaning/context of "safe", I think. :-)

[firecat]

Same here.

[geekchick]

With regard to the original thread, I'm still not sure there is any way for a recipient to tell I have intent, though, without me coming out and admitting it. ;-)

Obviously I was a bit unclear, as a couple of people have talked about the other person recognizing that you have intent. I didn't mean that at all, actually, I was curious as to when one decides that flirting has turned into "flirting with intent" rather than "flirting because it's fun".

[geekchick]

In one's own mind, that is. Obviously, I'm still not doing so well on the coherence front. =)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Okay, I think maybe I actually did answer that part. :-)

Obviously, I'm still not doing so well on the coherence front. =)

No worries. You did point out it's Monday, after all. ;-)

[mactavish.livejournal.com]

I've gone through periods, including recently, when I've started warning EVERYONE that I flirt without intent, even if it's not quite true, because flirting -- even perceived flirting, when I didn't even realize I was, or when I wasn't but the other person thought I was -- has gotten me in no end of trouble. One person once got really mad at me for "leading him on," when a handful of conversations left him thinking I wanted to go out with him. And I've found myself wanting to wear a "don't get a crush on me, as I can't live up to it" t-shirts. It's not that I'm not a good enough person (sometimes I am, sometimes I'm not, like all of us) I either just have no idea, or don't know how to handle the information.

Really, I'm 41 going on 16, sometimes.

"Some crushes I let wax and wane, and will continue to be very flirty at times without intent."

Yes, that applies to most of my crushes, when I get them. Sadly, I really don't have time or energy to let most of them pan out, lately.