quasigeostrophy | Why the Big Deal

Why was I so anxious about passing my Ph.D. qualifying exams?

I have a history of viewing some major past events as failures. In my previous career, I thought I was a good manager. When my 15th boss in 9 years came on board with a need to make his mark, he decided to move my department to another office and I took a voluntary layoff. I saw failure there somewhat in the sense that I was unable to save my department and convince upper management to let me keep it.

After the layoff I tried to start a home-based photography business. I got some weddings, a few events, and sold a handful of art prints, but overall business sucked. I’m not a marketing person and finally have come to accept that I never will be.

I’ve worked hard in recent years not to see these things as personal failures, but in the process I’ve poured so much importance into the success of my returning to school that I cannot screw this up!! So, passing my qualifying exams was a critical point, and I think I even felt more (mostly self-imposed) pressure from them than I did my M.S. defense two years ago. If I hadn’t passed them, I would have gotten another chance this semester, but then that would be it. Since I already got my M.S. from this department, I’d be out. A Ph.D. would be beyond reach.

So, yeah, it’s pretty much self-imposed anxiety, but that’s where it comes from.

Originally published at Abnormality Locality. You can comment here or there.