Independence, Assumptions, Friendship, and So Forth

[quasigeostrophy]

soaring_phoenix and I show a lot of ePDAs here on LJ. We try not to be too saccharine with our language here, but we've made it obvious to anyone who reads either or both journals that we love each other and have a deep commitment and a very strong relationship built on a number of things. But it appears that some who may not know us too well, or who make assumptions easily, may think we're joined at the hip. I don't know what else we could do to prove that is not the case. We have several different interests. We have different friends. We travel separately more than any other married couple I know. We make relationships with others independently. Yeah, point to both breakups with other partners that we shared in the past couple of years and we broke up with them at the same time and for the same (major) reasons (there were plenty of minor reasons that differed, though). I'm not going into the details or rehash history here, but if anyone thinks I was pressured or coerced into either starting or ending those relationships, think again. In response I'd ask if you would have done differently given all the data I have.

So it really irks me when someone thinks of Toni and I as a unit with regard to making friends, getting together, etc. You want to invite us for a visit because you get along with and like both of us, fine. If you want to be friends with only one of us, that's also fine. Our life is not "Give Me the Brain!" Nothing irritates me more than someone who thinks I have only (or worse, assuming I would have) done, thought, or said something just because Toni has or that person thinks she would. Yes, I'm quieter, both in real life and on LJ. Don't assume I don't have a brain of my own.

Comments

[geekchick]

Sounds like you're both (separately, of course ;) ) having a stellar day. *hug*

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Eh, in The Grand Scheme of Things, I'll get over it. I just had to get that out of my system, ya know? :-) *hugsback*

[lesliepear.livejournal.com]

My husband and I have different interests. But all our real life friends no matter when or how we met them are our friends, we happily share. I probably know a lot more internet friends than he does, but I'd share them too. He's shared his along the way also.

Since we're contentedly monagamous our friendships are just that, so maybe it's just us.

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Oh, don't get me wrong, it's not that I wouldn't want Toni to be friends with someone I'm friends with, but say that when she makes a friend, I don't expect that person automatically to be friends with me. Friendship is earned, one-to-one, IMHO. Has nothing to do with being poly.

[ginger]

I have some friends (they're roommates! Not even dating!) that I wish would realize that while I love two of them to pieces, I can't stand the third, and would really really like to invite them to do something without them bringing him along. *sigh*

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Been there. And on the other side of the coin, one of my good friends from college has almost dropped off the face of the earth because his wife doesn't like any of his friends, so he never sees us. Grrr...

[melanie.livejournal.com]

#1: "Our life is not "Give Me the Brain!"

haha. i like that.

#2: "Nothing irritates me more than someone who thinks I have only (or worse, assuming I would have ) done, thought, or said something just because Toni has or that person thinks she would. Yes, I'm quieter, both in real life and on LJ. Don't assume I don't have a brain of my own."

Ouch. yes, that's pretty insulting, to both of you really. i've been accused of the same regarding misterx on a couple of occasions, by people who clearly weren't thinking about his hardheadedness it very deeply. to me, it insults the relationship and both partners in it, to characterize it that way. it reduces a deep, complex, carefully developed, deliberate life choice to an vehicle for some outsider's projected idea of a dysfunctional union.

or maybe i'm sleepy. either way, really.

[melanie.livejournal.com]

oh - also, i doubt misterx and i are capable of sharing all friendships. some of his friends get on my last fucking nerve, and vice versa. and i'm sure i get on some of their nerves, too. so be it.

i've also learned that it goes better if i don't try to be too deeply involved with his otherloves. i have a hard time putting away my protectiveness when i see him hurting, so it's better just to keep my nose all the way on the other side of the house. :)

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

I know Toni and I can't share all our friends - some of my best friends drive her completely bugfsck, for reasons I understand, but they don't do it to me and they respect her, so I deal with it (doing things with them by myself, etc.).

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Insulting. Yes. Thank you for putting part of the whole annoyance into words I couldn't dredge up.

[gasslight.livejournal.com]

I wish Toni wouldn't....

makeyoupostthingslikethat*ducksandruns*

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

You really want to get *thwapped*, don't you? ;-)

[gasslight.livejournal.com]

I don't mind being thwapped, but really it's just that I can't help myself. I can't be held responsible!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

Your husband made you make that comment, didn't he? ;-)

[gasslight.livejournal.com]

sssshhhhhh! He'll hear you!

[datagoddess.livejournal.com]

Pay no attention to the woman behind the curtain!!!

[quasigeostrophy.livejournal.com]

*cackle*

[gasslight.livejournal.com]

I don't believe you're the great and wonderful Oz at all!

/channeling Dorothy Gale

[supergee.livejournal.com]

I like both of you jointly & severally.