Love Is...
Aug. 4th, 2005 09:03 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
quasigeostrophyNo, this is not one of those sickening comics with the two nekkid kids.
Last night, Toni and I got on a discussion of various relationshippy things, and she mentioned she'd seen someone say (can't remember where, either LJ-land or alt.poly or somewhere) that love is a decision, not an emotion. Well, I thought about that a bit more while I couldn't get to sleep last night thanks to the phlegmatic state of my throat and inability to clear it, and my take goes a little further. IMHO, love is an attitude, not an emotion. The difference being that to me, a decision is a point reached that is taken and moved on from with or without commitment depending on the context. I see love as an attitude because it is more a state of being, but I do agree it is not specifically an emotion.
Emotions can affect (creating, destroying, intensifying, etc.) love, but they aren't love. Emotions are states of feeling such as infatuation, lust, envy, jealousy, happiness, etc. I love Toni dearly, and I have made an extremely deep commitment to her in continuing our relationship together. But I admit, and I'm sure she'll agree it's similar from her end, I don't go around every moment feeling some mystical state with some voice that says her name over and over in my head. That's infatuation, a feeling that to me comes with an intense new crush or NRE. Toni is always there, because we've been together so long and committed to each other so much, but it's subconscious. That's an attitude. Going forward with our open relationship status, something I learned a couple of years ago when we were new at it and went through an intense period of Poly Hell, it is second nature to me now to think, before I even consider starting more of a romantic relationship with someone on whom I have a crush, not just how it will affect me, but how it will affect us.
Someone used to say zie had trouble focusing on other stuff (existing relationships included) when zie was in love. IMHO, zie was ruled by zir emotions and was confusing the state of love for something else (infatuation or lust). I still have crushes on a couple of people. I still make sure I'm taking care of things as I need to in my relationship with Toni, too. I hunt for a job with almost all of my time; I do what I can/what is needed with the laundry, the yard work, etc. That's love, to me. I've felt in the past that I'm not a very good romantic. Sure, in some NRE situations I'll do the flowers and the little gifts and such, but I tend to drift away from that as the relationship matures. It's hard to remember to keep doing those things as signs of appreciation, but when I'll make a run to DQ in a thunderstorm to get a Mr. Misty for a wife with a sore throat, that counts too, I think.
And don't get me wrong. Toni and I still do the silly talk, we still hold hands a lot in public, and usually don't end a phone conversation without telling each other we love the other one. My friend B, last time I was in Ipswich, heard me once when I was ending a call to Toni, and gave me shit. M just laughed, I think primarily at B's reaction. He and M have been married about 5 years longer than Toni and I, and I haven't heard "I love you" between the two of them in a long time. That doesn't mean they don't - I have plenty of evidence to the contrary. I can tell they have the commitment and the attitude.
Last night, Toni and I got on a discussion of various relationshippy things, and she mentioned she'd seen someone say (can't remember where, either LJ-land or alt.poly or somewhere) that love is a decision, not an emotion. Well, I thought about that a bit more while I couldn't get to sleep last night thanks to the phlegmatic state of my throat and inability to clear it, and my take goes a little further. IMHO, love is an attitude, not an emotion. The difference being that to me, a decision is a point reached that is taken and moved on from with or without commitment depending on the context. I see love as an attitude because it is more a state of being, but I do agree it is not specifically an emotion.
Emotions can affect (creating, destroying, intensifying, etc.) love, but they aren't love. Emotions are states of feeling such as infatuation, lust, envy, jealousy, happiness, etc. I love Toni dearly, and I have made an extremely deep commitment to her in continuing our relationship together. But I admit, and I'm sure she'll agree it's similar from her end, I don't go around every moment feeling some mystical state with some voice that says her name over and over in my head. That's infatuation, a feeling that to me comes with an intense new crush or NRE. Toni is always there, because we've been together so long and committed to each other so much, but it's subconscious. That's an attitude. Going forward with our open relationship status, something I learned a couple of years ago when we were new at it and went through an intense period of Poly Hell, it is second nature to me now to think, before I even consider starting more of a romantic relationship with someone on whom I have a crush, not just how it will affect me, but how it will affect us.
Someone used to say zie had trouble focusing on other stuff (existing relationships included) when zie was in love. IMHO, zie was ruled by zir emotions and was confusing the state of love for something else (infatuation or lust). I still have crushes on a couple of people. I still make sure I'm taking care of things as I need to in my relationship with Toni, too. I hunt for a job with almost all of my time; I do what I can/what is needed with the laundry, the yard work, etc. That's love, to me. I've felt in the past that I'm not a very good romantic. Sure, in some NRE situations I'll do the flowers and the little gifts and such, but I tend to drift away from that as the relationship matures. It's hard to remember to keep doing those things as signs of appreciation, but when I'll make a run to DQ in a thunderstorm to get a Mr. Misty for a wife with a sore throat, that counts too, I think.
And don't get me wrong. Toni and I still do the silly talk, we still hold hands a lot in public, and usually don't end a phone conversation without telling each other we love the other one. My friend B, last time I was in Ipswich, heard me once when I was ending a call to Toni, and gave me shit. M just laughed, I think primarily at B's reaction. He and M have been married about 5 years longer than Toni and I, and I haven't heard "I love you" between the two of them in a long time. That doesn't mean they don't - I have plenty of evidence to the contrary. I can tell they have the commitment and the attitude.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-08-04 02:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-04 02:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-04 08:09 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-08-08 02:18 pm (UTC)It might have been me, and I love your take on it.